It promises to be the most one sided series since the giant West Indian pace bowlers came to England in the depth of England's eighties slump. But this time, it's not pace like fire that will burn up England's hopes like dry Autumn leaves. This time, in the year 2016, it's the Indian spin apocalypse, as the tourists make their way south from Bangladesh and a series that didn't go anything like to plan.
And the Indian cricket watchers are ready for a win against England. India haven't beaten England in a series of three matches or more at home since 2001-
http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine/match/63963.html the bad news year of foot and mouth disease, the shoe bomber and Baz Luhrmann's Moulin Rouge. Particularly galling were Iron Alastair, England's Captain Cook's 2-1 victories in Mumbai and Kolkota, the citadels of Indian cricket, in 2012.
Indian fans have been promised a grand slam 5-0 win. Superstar off spinner Ravi Ashwin is the globe's premier bowler, who leads the bowling rankings over the past two years, and averages a positively nineteenth century 14.2 on his own pitches in that time. And his partner Ravi Jadeja close by on 15.8. This is an England team which has just been bloodied by a nineteen year old debutant slow bowler in Chittagong and Dhaka. And at the two Ravi's back stands the most glamorous, charismatic batting line up in the game: Vijay, Gambhir, Pujara, Kohli, Rahane.
Against such odds, what hope for the dizzy, disorientated tourists? Well, it mainly lies with Alastair Cook, the leading averaging opener in India
of all time, at 61.9, with four centuries in 16 innings. There is the combative, star all rounder Ben Stokes, proving all his critics wrong and winning universal praise in 2016. How about elfin, impudent emerging bat, Joe Root, not yet to make his talent fully tell away from the comforts of home? Will one of the quartet of hopeful spinners take centre stage and make his name in the home of spin. In the modern home of the game.
So yes. It's a grudge match. And England have a lot of pundits to prove wrong. The switched on critics will be looking to the unheralded players who can make a difference. The unsung tyro on the undercard about to slug his way to the headlines, a damaging relationship with a showgirl and a coke habit. Or the big name about to remind everyone who's the daddy and score another zero on his sponsorship deal.
And you can join in. It's the big series of the 2016-17 programme. The newspaper previews will be telling us about the big names. Cook, Ashwin, Kohli, Jadeja and Stokes. But maybe another name will be the hero. Could this be the winter of our Gareth Batty? Is it Hardik Pandya or Karun Nair's time to shine? As ever, it's five plus two. Seven golden names. That's all. We at Fantasy League and Weapons Global Corporation will do the rest.
Entries please before the 22 names are announced at the toss on the first day of the first Test at the Saurashtra Cricket Association Stadium, Rajkot on November 9. 9.30 in Rajkot. 4am in the UK. 5am in both Catalonia and Stockholm (surprisingly). 15.00 in Sydney. 12MN in Nuuk, Greenland. 11am in the Christmas Islands. Anyone is welcome. Go on yer mug. Have a go!
I always say that everybody's right.