Shot by both sides:Performances Against England in 2013.

[Arthur Crabtree]

Both sides being Australia and New Zealand, who have both inflicted damage on brand England in the last twelve months. Later, I'll pick the performances of the year. Here is the anti England team of the year. Disagreement welcome.

1. David Warner.

Played 7. 629 runs at 48.4. 2 hundreds. 3 fifties.

Loathe him or hate him, Warner has been a huge presence over both series; perennially off the pitch, but latterly on it as well. Initially he seemed a bit of a sledger/fielder all rounder- and credit is due for his excellent fielding. But the numbers don't lie.

He can be interpreted as an exploiter of advantageous circumstances; he averaged 23 in the first innings of matches, with only one fifty, against 78 in the second dig, usually with Australia in a good match position. He still has that case to answer. But England were always glad to get him out, and admittedly, he pummelled England senseless in those second innings. Not someone you feel comfortable losing to, which usually makes you a home crowd hero.

What he makes me think of: He's a bit of a college jock. The sort of person you first become aware that he has entered your room, because you can hear him breathing behind you. And then he'll pick up all your stuff and examine it, putting back in the wrong place, leaving your records in the wrong order.

[Arthur Crabtree]

2. Peter Fulton.

Played 5. 383 runs at 42.6. 2 hundreds. 1 fifty.

Fulton came to our attention as two metre Peter (or his techno version, 2MP) and with a laugh that suggested the commentator was pleased with the joke. And no real reputation on the pitch. But he set the prototype for batting successfully against England over the last year. At home, he scored at a strike rate of 36 in the first innings, and 56 in the second. This difference has been evident for Australia and New Zealand in their home Tests.

He scored big runs in Aukland, the game that New Zealand all but won. His second innings ton where he and McCullum humiliated the England bowlers as the declaration loomed, was memorable, and also a premonition of the series across the Tasman Sea. Didn't make any runs worth a damn in England though.

What he makes me think of: A white collar farmer, his battered Land Rover carpeted in Scotch egg packets and crumpled bank statements. He continually lives in fear of another visit from HMRC, contemplating in idle moments the possible advantages of murder.

[Arthur Crabtree]

I guess Rogers has made a claim for Fulton's spot, eventually. Though two metre Peter blows Buck Rogers out of the water, in the nickname wars.

More later...

[Arthur Crabtree]

3. Shane Watson.

Played 9. 711 runs at 41.8. 2 hundreds. 3 fifties. 6 wickets at 49.3.

I held off grudgingly giving any credit to Watson this year, as I did to the yet to be revealed number five. A slightly comical and confused looking character with the front pad that should have advertising on it, Watson struggled at first, and the runs when they came, did so with a proviso... Dead rubber runs. Second innings declaration hitting...

Eventually, they added up to too many to ignore, and , even though, like Warner, he tends to do little in the first innings, he has redeemed his reputation a little in this home Ashes. And in taking home his team in Melbourne, he made a genuinely match winning contribution. Plus his bowling counts for more than it looks on paper.

What he makes me think of: A traditionally kilted wedding greeter who works in the Western Isles welcoming rich American tourists, who thinks he should be a lot higher in the hotel business than he is. And who is worrying that the rather hostile Polish cleaner is going to discover the dead guest in one of the rooms that he hasn't come up with a explanation for...

[Arthur Crabtree]

4. Michael Clarke*.

Played 10. 728 runs at 48.5. 3 hundreds, one fifty.

This is a stat I like. These are averages over the last 25 years, excluding runs scored against Bangladesh and Zimbabwe. In this table, Clarke stands only just behind Steve Waugh among Australians, and about abreast of everyone to play the game in this time.

http://stats.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine ... pe=batting

Self styled Captain Funky is one player who has scored runs in both innings over the year, and even when they were out of fashion, like in Manchester. His problem against the short ball has proved illusory, though he has had a little trouble on off stump. He led the Australian fightback at Old Trafford and set the standard at the Gabba and the Adelaide Oval.

A possible criticism is that he has got out in the twenties quite often. But he was the highest run scorer against England last year. And he takes credit for his part in turning Australia from the side that was humbled at Lord's, into the one that was triumphant at the WACA.

What he makes me think of: A leading member of a suburban family drugs cartel. He's not the one who goes into the houses of his debtors behaving like an erratic maniac (Mitch). He's the one that stays at home in his jogging pants and gold chains, deciding who needs to be killed.

[Arthur Crabtree]

5. Steve Smith.

Played 9. 550 runs at 36.7. 2 hundreds, 2 fifties. 5 wickets at 32.8.

No one in the history of the internet was abused as much as Smith was by me in the last year. Going into the Ashes in England, he was the batter who, as Brian Clough described Trevor Brooking, floated like a butterfly, and stings like one. He'd hardly ever made a run that wasn't in a dead rubber, or a game already lost. His batting looked like a clown riding downstairs on a bicycle. The odd swipe squirted to leg, a wipe honked over the slips...

Even his hundred at the Oval, was too little too late. But I had to own up to the merit in his ton in the first innings at Perth. Even so, his success still strikes me as a signal of England's shame, rather than proof of Smith's ascendancy. Good luck to him though, he's had a great year.

What he makes me think of: Duckie in a sequel to Pretty in Pink. Having turned down his slightly weaselly looks and abashed neediness in the first film for uberWASP Ed Cowan, Molly Ringwald starts to notice the looks Steve is getting, and how he is starting to happen- and that maybe she made a mistake.

[Arthur Crabtree]

6. Brad Haddin

Played 9. 596 runs at 39.7. 1 hundred, 6 fifties. 47 catches.

The seven scores of fifty plus reveal how consistently Haddin has contributed desperately unwelcome runs. And the fact that only Fulton has hit as many sixes against England (9) suggests his method. If some Australian batters have left me with the suspicion that they've got runs when it has suited them, Haddin has done a lot of the dirty work, and transformed so many bad starts that I can't relate them without becoming boringly repetitive.

We got early warning of Haddin's nuggety baggy green atavism when he went close at Trent Bridge. His 94 in Brisbane and 118 in Adelaide were crucial innings. Haddin has the wicket keeper gene, and his confrontational style has got right up England's nose. And he has taken record numbers of catches.

What he makes me think of: Works in Ian Healy's petrol station, last stop for 2000 miles. Engages itinerant and affected English tourists in life altering descent into a world of two-up, kangaroo safaris and hideously degenerating lifestyle choices.

[Arthur Crabtree]

7. Mitch Johnson.

Played 4. 31 wickets at 14.3. 3 five wickets/innings.149 runs at 37.3. 1 fifty.

Johnson wasn't just a participant in the series, or even merely a key performer. He permeated everything that happened. He was more like the climate the games were played in. The panorama the action took place against. A divinity of the ancient world who interacted with the deeds of mortals. If Mitch wasn't bowling, we were aware of what might happen when he would bowl. If he had his feet up in front of the mirror in the dressing room, England were giving away runs that would have to be redeemed against Johnson's slingshot. It's impossible to think of how this series would have played out without him.

So, Mitch's Ashes. His wicket taking threat has reduced numerically, fractionally, as the series has gone on. But really, by Perth, England were more trying to imagine a future beyond the holocaust, than a meaningful riposte to the anger of the gods.

What he makes me think of: A character in a modernist novel who is deranged beyond conception, but little by little, as his body art is removed from his skin, his anger, and eventually his personality starts to drift away. Until you are left with a cypher. A blank page.

[Arthur Crabtree]

8. Trent Boult.

Played 5. 19 wickets at 25.5. 2 five wickets/innings.

The sleek, aerodynamic, athletic Boult may not have had the impact of Mitchell Johnson, but he compares well with other bowlers England have faced in the last year. Which is quite a compliment. He and Southee made up a potent opening bowling attack. His six wickets in the first innings at Aukland (for a first innings lead of 239!) set New Zealand up for a surefire win that never came, and he took five at Headingley too.

Boult found swing in the home series, where Jimmy Anderson couldn't move the ball either side of straight. The Black Caps' dominance in Dunedin and Aukland captured unexpected positions of might for the Kiwis. It is remarkable how many obstacles England staggered over in Australia, they first encountered in New Zealand.

What he makes me think of: Apart from looking a bit like T2. Sunday night comfort television. Trent is a good looking supply teacher in a remote district of rural New Zealand, capturing the hearts of the young girls, and a few mums too. Shows his rugged individuality, engineering expertise and people skills by leading a project to sink a well on a nearby sheep station. In a popular Christmas special, he marries whoever is Rachel Ward these days.

[Arthur Crabtree]

9. Ryan Harris.

Played 8. 38 wickets at 21.9. 2 five wicket/innings.

If the rarest of things isn't a child who can act, then it surely must be a successful opposition fast bowler who doesn't light a flame of resentful, unfulfilled hostility in your heart. And if anyone is that man, then that man is Ryan Harris. And a fantastic bowler, who led the visiting attack in the UK, and applied the garrote to the England batting in the home whitewash. England's batters were asphyxiated, before being eliminated, which may be very satisfying to some.

An unlikely looking, rather chunky paceman who constantly pushed 90mph, with the wrist of McGrath. The worried looking Harris offered the redemption story, following his horrendous injury at the MCG in 2010, that Johnson's antics refused to yield. A great fast bowler, who gratifyingly had his day, at last.

What he makes me think of: A reliable, sought after central heating engineer, married to a much younger wife of doubtful reliability and spending habits, who he continually checks on while expertly coaxing your boiler back to life.

[Arthur Crabtree]

10. Peter Siddle.

Played 9. 30 wickets at 29.2. 1 five wickets/innings.

Siddle seems a bit of an older dog now. His snarl is less apparent. It seems he isn't wasting energy on the image of being a fast bowler, but the professionalism: the perfect length, ball after ball. Nothing to hit, not too much movement, just enough. He has been even more economical than Harris, which shows what meagre scraps he has given England to feed on. Only Watson has given away less, but Siddle hasn't been bowling at a sixth stump.

And if he only contributed the demoralisation of Pietersen, that would be plenty; usually dragging Kevin's bat away from his body, edging to slip, or missing the ball coming back in. England might have felt that the pressure slackened a notch when Siddle relieved Harris and Johnson. That was his opportunity, and quite a few wickets were picked up from loose drives in front of the wicket.

What he makes me think of: A member of a seventies gang of LA petty thieves of limited ambition. Likes to think of himself as the driver, but currently doesn't have a car, and spends most of his time sitting on the stoop in his Hawaiian shirt and shades, swearing expansively at passing acquaintances. Destined to be shot in a raid on a toy shop.

[Arthur Crabtree]

Actually, that's what Siddle used to remind me of, a few years ago, when he was angrier and less skilful. I need to update my stereotype. I'm sensing a determined, lone wolf detective whose wife has left him because he doesn't keep regular hours, and who always has a pint of rancid milk in the fridge, which he sniffs as soon as he comes into the house, grimaces, and puts back in the fridge.

[Arthur Crabtree]

11. Nathan Lyon.

Played 7. 25 wickets at 29.4. 1 five wicket/innings.

The new Graeme Swann. I was stunned when Australia left this fine bowler out at Trent Bridge, on a hunch. A long shot. If Nathan felt let down by this careless slight to his talents, it didn't show. England were never able to hit him off his length, and he took wickets at a good strike rate (65) which was actually better than Siddle's.

An unassuming, undemonstrative character which has perhaps duped some into underestimating him. Sure he offered control, but cutting edge as well, with good dip and turn, as well as a great top spinner. It was satisfying (even for an England fan) to see him have a big day in Melbourne, with 5-50, shooting out the England middle order.

What he makes me think of: A politics student often seen in the local at last orders in a tatty black overcoat with a stash of left wing magazines, invariably with his dog, Hegel. Spare cash goes on saving up to watch the Levellers summer festival.

[Arthur Crabtree]

I'll carry on with the best batting and bowling tomorrow. Apologise to Magazine fans who have been drawn to this thread under false pretences.

[Arthur Crabtree]

Onwards, having been distracted by the Flower controversy. Quickly through this before 2015. Best batting and bowling in the past 12 months.

5. Trent Boult, 6-68 & 1-55 in Aukland.

Boult set up a huge first innings lead for New Zealand by conjuring swing where England could find none. Whether his fuller length allowed for the swing, or the swing enabled him to pitch the ball up is a question for philosophers. But the artful McCullum set attacking fields and the England middle order became shotless under the pressure. And so it was written.

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine/match/569245.html

5. Michael Clarke, 148 & 22 in Adelaide.

England thought they had Clarke's number with the short ball after his Brisbane undoing to Broad. At Adelaide, Clarke just stood and hooked. England couldn't slow him down, and with Haddin, the captain took Australia from 257-5, to 467-6 at over four runs an over. He made it look so easy, and once again he covered up the shortcomings of his top order colleagues.

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/engine/match/592398.html