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Dave Warner announces that he'll never play for Australia again. He offers his services to New Zealand, but they tell him to "pus off." He tries his luck with India, but the BCCI over rule. He finally tries England, who in a moment of madness accept. Upon entering the England dressing room for the first time, England captain Joe Root knocks Warner out, later defending his actions by claiming that this is how we welcome dickheads in Yorkshire.

Dave Warner signs a 3 year contract, for not a lot of money, to play county cricket for Durham from 2019 onwards, after he discovers an English grandparent hiding under a piece of sandpaper that he found lying around the Australian team dressing room

Alistair Cook retires from all cricket, to take up a career as a professional farmer

In an attempt to get the last Test washed out, CA fly Steve Smith back to South Africa for a press conference.

Darren Lehman incensed at the accusation that he couldn't flood a cricket pitch on his own

The Oz team get an invite to drought ravaged Namibia following the current South Africa tour.

Lehman Smith and Warner take a one year internship working for Red Adair

Klennex Tissues becomes the new sponsor of the Australian cricket team.

Steve Smith breaks down after sandpapering his balls.

Durhamfootman wrote:Lehman Smith and Warner take a one year internship working for Red Adair

Warner sacked after just the one week - as each conflagration got worse after he visited it.

Crufts send an application form to Dave Warner in case he wants to enter himself in the 'attack dog' category for 2019

The Australian public become suspicious of a cover up involving the remaining members of the Australian touring party after CA cancels their Qantas flight home and instead book them on a flight with Malaysian Airlines.

Marc Almond re-releases his hit single 'Tainted Love' in Australia in time for the arrival of the touring party on home soil

Almond's Soft Cell partner was called Ball, which is apposite.

from_the_stands wrote:Klennex Tissues becomes the new sponsor of the Australian cricket team.

Kleenex withdraws from its sponsorship. A spokesman says 'given the other thing our product is used for, associating with the Australian cricket team was sending a mixed message'.